Sometimes you just don't feel like "Friending"

On most days I try to be there for everyone and every thing and try very hard to be the helpful friend that my friends need. I make myself available almost all the time. I do pretty much everything asked of me. I even volunteer when I feel my help is needed or wanted.
I have days though, where I just don't feel like being there. And I feel like that's okay. But someone always has a problem with it. Why won't you answer my call? Are you mad at me? Why are you ignoring me? Did I do something? Tell me what's going on. Is everything okay?
Dude.... I just don't feel like friending right now. I'm available about 99% of the time for you to emotionally vomit on me or do you some favor and I honestly don't mind. I enjoy bring there for my friends. Its a bug part of what makes me happy. But don't come at me all crazy when I just feel like being left alone every once in a while and make it all about you. Its annoying.

Driven emptiness

I miss you and I hate it. Why can't I just hate you like other people hate each other when they break up. That's the part that makes no sense you know... I have more reasons to hate you, ten time over what a normal person would hate you for. As a matter of fact it's sick really. Not to sound conceded but I have all the attention in the world from readily available guys but none of it means anything because they aren't you. That's crazy. They have done nothing to me. You have done nothing for me.
WTF.... lol

Where to go from here

It got bad... and ugly and scary and terribly stupid all at the same time. We just hurt eachother to the point of no return and the stupid part is we have or had or whatever, what a lot of people don't. We could make it because we have that fighting kind of love. We have been through so much. More than most couples go through in an entire life time.  And despite all of it, we always loved eachother with the same intensity and passion. We've been together for 7 years.  Since we were 16 and 17 years old. I saw you, and that was it for me. I was home. I loved your every flaw, and I needed your every good point. I was wild and free and the center of attention that couldn't be tamed, but for you... I settled, I changed, I conformed. Then I got the news... we were having a baby. I was scared but bc of who I thought you were... I was okay. You though, were terrified but tried to put on a brave face for the world. From then on, it was never the same. The recreational drug use became habit. So much so that who I fell in love with was such a far away memory I even began to forget who I was. You were going no where fast and I was falling apart. The strong girl I was who would have kicked you to the curb in a second had completely lost who she was. I tried to stay strong for you but it was hard. It came time to have the baby and it was to late to save you. We brought him home and things went fast from there. I got a job, and you didn't. I worked and tried to grow up and you didn't. I hated you and loved you more than myself all at once. Sometimes I would be so mad I wished you would just disappear so I wouldn't have to worry about you anymore. Every day for so long was a disappointment. It was always something new everyday.  Not good new, bad new. Your addiction consumed my life. I just wanted to save you, stop you, make you wake up and be who you were when I met you. Moralistic,  handsome,  honest, happy, holesome. I was perfect for so long. But now I was angry, bitter, consumed with paranoia, regret, shame, embarrassment, sheer hatred for what I, ashley, had let my life turn out like. You were my hero. You saved me, and now you're this... This sick, dishonest, scum bag. I couldn't trust you with our child to feed him, change him, or anything really. Here I had this dude I had settled for and had a baby with that was suppose to be SO great and this is what I got myself into. I finally have it in me to give up and accept that you will die... then you go to rehab. Yay!! Clay is better.  But ashley is not.  Not even a little. I'm happy you're back but I am still so depressed and beat down that I can't just pull myself out of it and be happy that you are all better. Hell, I didn't even know I was depressed. But apparently you being the beacon of perfection you are now since you went to rehab knew and began to criticize. Criticized, not harshly, but it hurt. I, even though I was depressed was in love with you all over again bc you were sober. I idolized you so when you said the littlest thing to let on you weren't happy it crushed me and set me spiraling deeper. Now I had something to prove. Someone else showed me some attention and you had hurt me. I didn't feel good enough for you and I felt judged which angered and hurt me. Who are you, the drug addict, to judge me? The attention I got felt good and I was still mad about you, about everything you put us all, me through. I moved and realized I had made a mistake and that I had work to do on myself also. Little did I know this time for me to fix myself gave you time to slip back. Slip back into oblivion. Before I knew it... we had started all over. Now instead of herion like the first go round it was alcohol. Things between us got violent.  You were a new found drunk and I was a hot head who was in between bad depression meds. I threw the first punches. I can never take that back. Soon, you put your hands on me. The pushing, got harder, then the pushing became slamming my into stuff. Then finally the first big blow happened. We thought my face was going to be disfigured. Thank God for good doctors. You said it will never happen again. And it didn't for a while. Then the drinking started again. The pushing started again, more and more each argument, then I got the knot on my head. That time it felt good. Good for you to hurt me. I could see it in your face. Just like when you hurt my face... I don't feel like it will stop. Now you've strangled me. Only this time there were witnesses and police and I can't fix it for you this time. Now your in real trouble for it. You broke us so bad this time, I can't just pick up the pieces for us.  Our future is so up in the air and you still blame me. I'm at a loss.... and cold.

Battle strategies...

If there is one thing I have realized in my life, it is that you have to pick your battles.  Big, small, medium... all of 'em. Which really sucks some times because you sure as hell aren't going to win them all... not even close and if your anything like me you are always right....... (;  You need a good case, time to think and a well thought out plan. You have to anticipate what the "enemy" will do and say before you go into it and be ready with a counter attack. The "enemy," so to speak, is very very sneaky. When you bust in with a good strategy, they have this uncanny way of derailing the battle if they are not strong enough to win themselves with something like, "hey, YOU didn't act like you were mad." Or, "baby, do you need help with that?" Or, "Oh my gosh baby, our friend Ted, jezzz, did you hear what he did to Beth?!?! Awful, so glad we're not in that boat." Hahaha yeah... that's a good one. You know what I'm talking about. Those distractions of flattery or pitty or, AHH!!! LOOK OVER THERE, NOT OVER HERE!!!

This my friends.... is a relationship with an ADDICT. They always have something  or someone to blame or point at to take the shine off of themselves. Some... Oh sooo "legit" reasoning for all that they do. They will always be an addict. Period.  Even if they are lucky enough to be sober. Still an addict. Oh, and! Ha, sorry to tell ya, sober doesn't mean all of the addict tendencies stop. They never stop because that is who they are. "Addict" is a personality trait. Doesn't always mean drugs or aolchol. Just because they quit using drugs doesn't mean they just automatically become un depressed,  un manipulative, un lazy, and they just grow this awesomely fan-fucking-tactic set of coping skills. It takes years for them to learn how to live a normal life again and not be a shit-tacular waist of space. This,  although I find it to be extremely frustrating at times, is where choosing your battles comes in. Which is extremely difficult fo me. I just feel like, well okay, your sober for 4 years, when the hell is my life supose to be that awesome shit every ones always talking about. I feel like saying what??? You want a freakin cookie for doing the right thing?!?! Wait ta go ass hole, I have to do the right thing on a daily fucking basis. But that won't work... it just won't. 
It takes constant encouragement, happy faces even when some times your not, strick boundaries with extra cushiony walls and bumper pads, the realization that it's a lot less about you than you think, sucking it up, strong mental stability and reassurance in your own mind, love, empathy, the will to fight for what is good and could be, the will to wait and knowing your shit. Not all of us have it... (what it takes to be with a recovering addict) And thats to be expected I think.  Hell, I'm not even sure on some days if I have what it takes to be the women who can stick by the side of a recovering addict. It's so insanely hard and hurtful at times.  But for now I'm doing my best to help my addict stay in line. I'm doing my best to see all the awesome places he does try. I'm trying to recognize all the positive changes he has made in 4 years. I remember how lucky I am that he is so faithful to me and how much I do know that he loves me. It's harder some days than others but I will say I love him and I'm not ready to give up on the man I've seen him be. So for now, I'll just continue to choose my battles....... and do lots of deep breathing and cussing under my breath.

At a loss...

I really did hope that maybe the third time would be the charm and he would stop drinking. But its been 3 or 4 weeks and I found a beer in the fridge Monday or Tuesday night. Then I wome up this morning,  Wednesday, and found almost an entire bottle of tequila gone. My mother in law keeps saying that the power of prayer can solve anything. Uhh... no bitch, it can't. I do pray. I pray all the time. Yes, it helps but the person your praying about isn't going to just magically get better.  They have to want to, and I can't be the only one pushing him to get better and taking care of him while you over there just a prayin. Why don't you, oh geee I don't know, talk to him  and tell him what he needs to hear instead of kissing his ass and believing everything that co.es out of his mouth. The father of my child is going to die from this disease and your just gonna be sitting over there praying... how about we do both?? Put our feet down and pray. I'm so frustrated its unreal.