It got bad... and ugly and scary and terribly stupid all at the same time. We just hurt eachother to the point of no return and the stupid part is we have or had or whatever, what a lot of people don't. We could make it because we have that fighting kind of love. We have been through so much. More than most couples go through in an entire life time. And despite all of it, we always loved eachother with the same intensity and passion. We've been together for 7 years. Since we were 16 and 17 years old. I saw you, and that was it for me. I was home. I loved your every flaw, and I needed your every good point. I was wild and free and the center of attention that couldn't be tamed, but for you... I settled, I changed, I conformed. Then I got the news... we were having a baby. I was scared but bc of who I thought you were... I was okay. You though, were terrified but tried to put on a brave face for the world. From then on, it was never the same. The recreational drug use became habit. So much so that who I fell in love with was such a far away memory I even began to forget who I was. You were going no where fast and I was falling apart. The strong girl I was who would have kicked you to the curb in a second had completely lost who she was. I tried to stay strong for you but it was hard. It came time to have the baby and it was to late to save you. We brought him home and things went fast from there. I got a job, and you didn't. I worked and tried to grow up and you didn't. I hated you and loved you more than myself all at once. Sometimes I would be so mad I wished you would just disappear so I wouldn't have to worry about you anymore. Every day for so long was a disappointment. It was always something new everyday. Not good new, bad new. Your addiction consumed my life. I just wanted to save you, stop you, make you wake up and be who you were when I met you. Moralistic, handsome, honest, happy, holesome. I was perfect for so long. But now I was angry, bitter, consumed with paranoia, regret, shame, embarrassment, sheer hatred for what I, ashley, had let my life turn out like. You were my hero. You saved me, and now you're this... This sick, dishonest, scum bag. I couldn't trust you with our child to feed him, change him, or anything really. Here I had this dude I had settled for and had a baby with that was suppose to be SO great and this is what I got myself into. I finally have it in me to give up and accept that you will die... then you go to rehab. Yay!! Clay is better. But ashley is not. Not even a little. I'm happy you're back but I am still so depressed and beat down that I can't just pull myself out of it and be happy that you are all better. Hell, I didn't even know I was depressed. But apparently you being the beacon of perfection you are now since you went to rehab knew and began to criticize. Criticized, not harshly, but it hurt. I, even though I was depressed was in love with you all over again bc you were sober. I idolized you so when you said the littlest thing to let on you weren't happy it crushed me and set me spiraling deeper. Now I had something to prove. Someone else showed me some attention and you had hurt me. I didn't feel good enough for you and I felt judged which angered and hurt me. Who are you, the drug addict, to judge me? The attention I got felt good and I was still mad about you, about everything you put us all, me through. I moved and realized I had made a mistake and that I had work to do on myself also. Little did I know this time for me to fix myself gave you time to slip back. Slip back into oblivion. Before I knew it... we had started all over. Now instead of herion like the first go round it was alcohol. Things between us got violent. You were a new found drunk and I was a hot head who was in between bad depression meds. I threw the first punches. I can never take that back. Soon, you put your hands on me. The pushing, got harder, then the pushing became slamming my into stuff. Then finally the first big blow happened. We thought my face was going to be disfigured. Thank God for good doctors. You said it will never happen again. And it didn't for a while. Then the drinking started again. The pushing started again, more and more each argument, then I got the knot on my head. That time it felt good. Good for you to hurt me. I could see it in your face. Just like when you hurt my face... I don't feel like it will stop. Now you've strangled me. Only this time there were witnesses and police and I can't fix it for you this time. Now your in real trouble for it. You broke us so bad this time, I can't just pick up the pieces for us. Our future is so up in the air and you still blame me. I'm at a loss.... and cold.
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